So..it's state testing time again.  I've been putting in a lot of over time over the past week and a half.  We got Spring Break over the weekend which was great except ... I end up getting sick.  So, I come to work yesterday sick.  I couldn't stay home because I had to make sure all the tests were ready for testing to begin today.  Anyway... so I not only worked yesterday but stayed until 8 p.m. to ensure everything was ready first thing this morning for teachers.  I told my boss that if I wasn't feeling better in the morning then I wouldn't be coming to work.  This morning, I wasn't feeling better so I called in sick.   There's the administrator of the school and then there's the assistant administrator.  I called the assistant because the administrator was gone out of town.  Anyway.. ironically, instead of getting sleep and rest this morning, I spent the time on the phone answering questions from my co-workers about testing.  :(  Finally, after 2 hours of that, the administrator calls me from out of town, is upset that I called in sick, told me I created complete chaos at work because I missed the most important day of my work year, listed all the problems I created, and told me I needed to come into work.  I told her that I had been very well prepared, that teachers only had to follow the protocol they've followed every OTHER year, and that I HAD been on the phone all morning "working" anyway.

So.. I came into work late morning...but I was quite upset and emotional.  I wanted to cry, even though I didn't...and I also felt like crawling back into bed and leading my own little revolt against the "establishment".

Why so upset?  Because of the message sent to me...  That I can only be sick if it's convenient for my employer.  What the hell's the point of taking a sick day when you feel you really need it?  It's taken for granted that I'm a damn dedicated employee.  I always have been.  They count on that from me.  I'm here rain or shine.  And I ALWAYS have left over vacation at the end of the  year (which is nobody's fault but mine and why haven't I learned the lesson after 8 years?) But, the damnable thing about it is that I feel that dedication counts for nothing.  And I'm sitting  here saying to myself..it's my own fault because I've been too easy to deal with.  That's the bottom line.  I've "trained" my employer to take advantage of me.

Looks like I have another thing to undo in my life.

The beauty of children...you'll never find anyone that loves you like a child does.  I can be at an all time low..feel like there's no joy left in my life..and this joyless prospect can be stretched out to infinity in my minds eye...  And then, Meriel hugs me..or smiles at me..and NEEDS me.  And I know I can live through another day.  I get the same from Ellie Dean.. and my other children.  They will always love me..and I will always be "someone" in their eyes.  I'm so lucky to have them.

Alma Claude is learning the guitar and now has taken up the piano.  I've agreed with him that we would collaborate on writing songs.  I'm so proud of him.  He has an aptitude for music, and I'm writing lyrics!  Below is a song I wrote.  He'll help with the music.  It'll be fun to see how things progress.

I dreamed.  I dreamed I had a ticket on a plane.

Tryin' to get to you.  Panic leaves me insane.

This yearin' eats me inside, away.

Thought I was past dreamin' of you night and day.

My dreamin' recounts the ache in my bones.

The words between us hang like stones.

The silence unbroken still calls your name.

And tears I'm dreamin' find me the same.

My decision that day binds me tight in this place.

Can't exorcise your ghost.  You're hauntin' my space.

I dreamed.  I dreamed I had a ticket on a plane.

Tryin' to get to you.  Panic leaves me insane.

This yearin' eats me inside, away.

Thought I was past dreamin' of you night and day.

I wake to a morning, pale and grey.

I lay here cryin' with nothin' to say.

The day stretches before me, same old drone.

I roll over and sigh.  My hand finds me alone.

Too fresh this feeling, still lovin' you.

Like no time has passed in our world of two.

I dreamed.  I dreamed I had a ticket on a plane.

Tryin', tryin' to reach you.  Panic leaves me insane.

This yearin' eats me inside, away.

Thought I was past dreamin'.  It's too hard to say.

Dreamin', dreamin',  Mmmmm  Love you still.

Dreamin', dreamin', it's a damn tough pill.

Dreamin', dreamin, Mmmm Love you still

Mmmmm, dreamin', our love, our will.

e.c.  2009

I've come to the conclusion that part of the reason I've been in such a funk with myself is that I'm doing nothing..and I mean NOTHING that produces creativity in my life.  I used to sing...paint...cook for fun.. now, I do none of those things.  Couple that with a lot less physical activity and just coming off from having a baby..and there you have it.  I'm in a funk.  Most of my time at home is used up with laundry, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc.  By the time I have any time to myself, I'm so damn tired that all I want to do is fall into bed.  Soooo... I've already started on an exercise regime that I think will help.  But I think I'll put aside some time every week to do art and other creative things like.. practice the drums, or the guitar.  We'll see where it takes me.  :)

...I sometimes wonder if I really have the strength inside to accomplish what I've committed to do.  I have moments where I'm amazed at how much pain I can really absorb.  When I get to that point inside where I feel like I can't take it anymore, I somehow find the resolve I need to get up in the morning, center and focus myself, and continue.  I'm learning this life isn't about being "fulfilled".  Life is about living true to my conscious, about loving others, and making the sacrifices God asks of me.  If I don't accomplish this, when I'm an old woman, all I'll have for my life's legacy is bitterness and disappointment.  So, I realize that pain and suffering is necessary in the accomplishment of my goals.  What is happiness anyway?  Is it this body feeling good?  Pleasure is not happiness.  I think it's a common mistake of the thinking of today's world..that happiness is measured by how good the body feels.

At the moment I feel so isolated.  I'm afraid, feeling wounded, and I don't have a clear view of what's ahead of me.  I have to survive.  I have to live.  I have to find the peace and assurance I'm looking for.  The only place I know to look is toward God.  So, I'm grateful of my knowledge of him and that I have an opportunity to come to greater understanding of life through his perspective.