Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Today...

is one of those days I ask myself why I wasn't created lesbian or..maybe something even better..asexual.

Actually..you know...I should be a man hater...one of those dikes with very short, spiked hair..a macho, "don't piss with me" attitude.. and completely devoid of any feeling what so ever... BUT... I wasn't created that way.
I'm a warm, feeling, caring (too much), vibrant, woman who has the need to be adored, loved and to give the same back. There in lies my conflict.  If I could become unmoved..unemotional, I think the majority of my problems would melt away.

*And, no..I DON'T want to be a lesbian!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Community Events

This weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, the community had their annual fall fair festival.  The whole community plus people from the surrounding area turned out for it.  There were people that came from as far as SLC, Utah, but also St. George, Hurricane, Cedar City, Cane Beds, Fredonia, and Colorado City.  

Our family had a food booth where we sold shrimp and brat's on skewers...and 3 different sandwiches.  It's a lot of hard work...days worth of work besides the actual fair days because we had to set up the booth, shop for the all the ingredients and coordinate all the details plus do all the preliminary preparation of the food the night before each day of selling.  The fair is a community effort and funds are raised for improvements with in the community such as public restrooms, community ball fields, improvements on the community center..etc.  It's a great addition to community pride and culture.  Each year it gets a little bigger, and reaches a little further into the surrounding communities.  I assume that it will eventually attract quite a number of people that aren't local to our community.  It seems people enjoy these sort of community functions and I believe it gives them a sense of belonging.  Many of the people I met were people I knew in my childhood but who had been gone from the community for 20+ years.  It was great to re-connect.  It's interesting the dynamics of small rural community life.  The people I grew up with I feel a connection with.  I grew up viewing them as part of my extended family and still, today, feel that way about them.  So when I see them, it's renewing old friendships.
..it's been sad... experiencing the disintegration of the community I grew up in.  It's amazing how one evil, conniving man, or a few evil conniving men,  can destroy something so quickly that was a very good thing and... something that took years to build.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

to better articulate...

This month has flown by!  I thought when I got to be the "venerable" age of 40 I'd be on the way to being ...sooooo mature...soooooo grounded...knowing who I am...and having accomplishments coming out my ears.  Well, I'll be 40 in a few weeks and I'm looking at my life and saying, "Holy Sh__! those 20 years flew by."  I feel a bit ripped off...and......scared?  It's led to some re-evaluation on my part.  Course it seems I'm always in the mode of re-evaluation but this is more.. this focusing on myself..what I've made with my life...who I'm becoming...saying to myself that the "buck stops with me" for the things I want to keep and enlarge in my life.  And the buck stops with me when it comes to the things I need to let go.  And, really, for the first time in my life.. realizing that I have the say, the ONLY say, in what I want for my life... who I want to be.  See.. nobody can really do anything about me..but me.  And in the end, people might care about the choices I make..feel bad for the choices I make, but my choices are all about me..no one else.  I'm just a bit chargined that it's taken me until 40 to come to this.  But it's highly empowering to realize that the center of my life is me.  That's not being selfish.  It's realizing that the choices I make are for me and about me.  I might be able to have influence with other people, and they might have influence with me, but everything I choose to do, the responsibility of the outcome of that choice, rests on me.  I've made so many choices for other people and based from fear.  My 40's will be the decade to live more true to me.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Just whatever...

I'm tired this morning... sooooo tired..and sore.  We decided to can peaches this year.  We were able to acquire some peaches..about 17 bushels..and yesterday was the day we agreed to "put them up".  It's also one of my laundry days..so, I went home after work, started my laundry, nursed the baby, and spent until 2:30 a.m. canning, taking care of the baby, and getting my laundry done.  That's why I'm so tired this morning, BUT it's not why I'm so sore.
I've began working out again after the baby.  Every Tuesday I do a weight session.  In this session I lift heavy weights ...heavy enough that I burn out.  I have this session once a week.  That's all the muscles can handle because the weight is so heavy.  I knew it would be hard to get back into it and lately I've been really discouraged about being so out of shape.  I have to preach myself my own words.  Consistency, consistency, consistency with my workouts..that's what will make the difference.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Life's ebb and flow

I have an aunt who has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  She had the tumor removed and the doctors thought she was on her way to recovery when they did another test and it came back showing the cancer had spread to several other places in her body.  She is considered at a class 4 (which is the worst diagnosis for cancer).  So she started chemotherapy.  She had beautiful grey hair..curly and elegant with the way she combed it.  She's lost most of it now..and wears a wig..which looks really good on her.  She does well at keeping positive and encouraged.  She's a strong, dynamic, intelligent woman...and beautiful...was extremely beautiful in her youth...and still is very beautiful today.  She was a big part of my growing up years.  My dad's family and my uncle's family were very close..almost like one family.  I've always loved and respected her.

I've just been thinking about her..and praying that God will give her what she needs and that his healing influence will be with her.  She's the second aunt I have that has developed breast cancer.  I had another aunt die from breast cancer 15 years ago.  It's a bit disconcerting when you begin to experience losing people that have always been there.  When I lose my parents, I know it will be HUGE for me to deal with.  It's part of life..but knowing that doesn't make it easier to go through.