Happy Thanksgiving to All.. Best wishes for the coming year.  May it be accompanied with peace, love, and plenty.

3 days  until the Thanksgiving holiday.  I'm feeling ambiguous about it this  year.  Usually, I look forward to this time...the family time, tons of baking, cooking, visiting, and just generally enjoying fall in all its dimensions...football, crisp weather with crystal clear blue skies, indian summer, fall colors, ..just the feeling fall brings is great.  But this year I'm just... well.. I guess I feel more like an observer than a participant.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way.  Maybe because the past  year has been a huge year of change for me.  There's been so many dimensions to that change that I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.  I can't begin to articulate it all...too much..too big.  Anyway... so this year I don't know what the holidays are going to be like.  I guess I'll just "hide and watch".

I love deeply, feel deeply, and am very sensitive (..sometimes too sensitive) and loyal..extremely loyal.  But, I feel so vulnerable most of the time when it comes to "love".  When I was younger, I gave so freely ...love, care and warmth... and it seemed to come so easily. However, the past decade and a half has taught me a great deal of caution when it comes to my heart.  The love and passion I feel on the inside doesn't bubble to the surface near as often or as easily.  But this caution creates turmoil inside by creating an emotional deficit.  I continually get caught in this dichotomy between self preservation and my need to be loved just as deeply as I love.  It's a painful position to be in.  What do I do? At the moment, I feel so at a loss and I feel so unable to cope adequately.

We are having amazingly BEAUTIFUL weather the past few days.  It's the middle of November and it's 80 degrees outside..cloudless, blue...blue sky and complete calm.  It's a shame to be at a desk and miss it all.

...another death in our community.  This time a 23 year old handicap boy who touched the lives of many, many people.  In spite of his handicap, he was an extremely high achiever in his life.  He was attending college working towards a degree, he had started a yard cleaning company, and was just beginning here at the local school as a safety officer.  For being handicap, he had dreams and he pushed himself to achieve them.  He loved everyone.  He made so many friends that his death is a loss to the community.   I value his life and example.  :)

Today is also the birthday of my grandfather on my mother's side who died 20 years ago this past August.

Regarding Alienation

The devastation of a heart

Comes oft quiet,

With definitive words

Well spoken.

And parts two souls

Who loved entire.

Their bond supernal,

They've broken.

Warm love thoughts,

Though resonant with pain,

Are freely given

As a token.

My recognition to you

For what between us

Will stay and, Unexpectedly,

Was woken.

e.c. 2008

November 4, 2008... definitely an historical day.  And American's don't have any idea what they've just signed up for.  Goodbye the rest of our God given freedoms.. hello socialism to the hilt.  Americans value "safety" over their liberties.  We were warned by our founding fathers about this..and the day has arrived.

Been sick all weekend and also Monday.  :(