Just feeling really settled and thankful for all I have in my life.  I wish I could always feel this way. Here's to 2009.  May it be a great year, full of success and realized dreams.  

Well...as of today I'm off for two weeks for the Christmas holidays.  This year, because of the tight finances, my family isn't "doing" Christmas.  Instead, we've decided to do family activities such as a kids' game day and a movie marathon day, give care baskets, etc.  And, instead of buying presents, we're going to donate to a charitable cause.  I'm quite happy about that because I think a lot of kids these days do not appreciate "old fashioned" values of simple living, giving without receiving back, and sacrificing for the good of the whole family.  After all, at the foundation of any holiday, you'll find that particular holiday came from people/a person who sacrificed something of themselves to better mankind.  So, as I enter this holiday season, I'm happy to remind myself of the dream of peace on earth and good will towards all men.  AND that, this dream will only be accomplished when me, one person, and EVERY person of the 7+ billion people on the earth today, take on this individual responsibility to place these enduring values into their daily scope of action.  And if enough people do this through living each day with these values, this dream can come to fruition.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Peace in the coming Year.

The toughest lessons in life seem to bring with them a lot of pain.  It's through the things we suffer that we learn.  It might sound stupid, but then, humanity is often stupid.  Think of all the twisting and turnings people go through to avoid facing the reality of life and the truth about themselves.  A lot of people never arrive at self truth.  I believe that the avoidance of the truth about oneself is a main cause of the pain we suffer.  In my experience, this pain is more painful than just facing the truth, acknowledging the need for change, and then.. simply ... changing.  Hmm... food for thought, huh?

Music..sad music...it so often communicates exactly what I feel when I don't have the words...and it's a way to play out ones emotions in a healthier way than just falling apart..

I Will Remember You

~Sarah McLachlan

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had

I let them slip away from us when things got bad

How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun

Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Weep not for the memories

Smokesong

~Ofrin

Every now and then

Cry is all you can do to go through all this pain

Every now and then

Die is all you can do to go through loneliness

Every now and then

Die is all you can

Every now and then

Cry is all you can

Every now and then

Cry is all you can do through all this pain

Every now and then

Die is all you can do to go through loneliness

Every now and then

Die is all you can

Every now and then

Cry is all you can

Every now and then

In times of low

You wait for the tide

To pull you far

It blocks the noise

Surrounds around

Protect your heart

Every now and then

Happy Thanksgiving to All.. Best wishes for the coming year.  May it be accompanied with peace, love, and plenty.

3 days  until the Thanksgiving holiday.  I'm feeling ambiguous about it this  year.  Usually, I look forward to this time...the family time, tons of baking, cooking, visiting, and just generally enjoying fall in all its dimensions...football, crisp weather with crystal clear blue skies, indian summer, fall colors, ..just the feeling fall brings is great.  But this year I'm just... well.. I guess I feel more like an observer than a participant.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way.  Maybe because the past  year has been a huge year of change for me.  There's been so many dimensions to that change that I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.  I can't begin to articulate it all...too much..too big.  Anyway... so this year I don't know what the holidays are going to be like.  I guess I'll just "hide and watch".

I love deeply, feel deeply, and am very sensitive (..sometimes too sensitive) and loyal..extremely loyal.  But, I feel so vulnerable most of the time when it comes to "love".  When I was younger, I gave so freely ...love, care and warmth... and it seemed to come so easily. However, the past decade and a half has taught me a great deal of caution when it comes to my heart.  The love and passion I feel on the inside doesn't bubble to the surface near as often or as easily.  But this caution creates turmoil inside by creating an emotional deficit.  I continually get caught in this dichotomy between self preservation and my need to be loved just as deeply as I love.  It's a painful position to be in.  What do I do? At the moment, I feel so at a loss and I feel so unable to cope adequately.

We are having amazingly BEAUTIFUL weather the past few days.  It's the middle of November and it's 80 degrees outside..cloudless, blue...blue sky and complete calm.  It's a shame to be at a desk and miss it all.

...another death in our community.  This time a 23 year old handicap boy who touched the lives of many, many people.  In spite of his handicap, he was an extremely high achiever in his life.  He was attending college working towards a degree, he had started a yard cleaning company, and was just beginning here at the local school as a safety officer.  For being handicap, he had dreams and he pushed himself to achieve them.  He loved everyone.  He made so many friends that his death is a loss to the community.   I value his life and example.  :)

Today is also the birthday of my grandfather on my mother's side who died 20 years ago this past August.

Regarding Alienation

The devastation of a heart

Comes oft quiet,

With definitive words

Well spoken.

And parts two souls

Who loved entire.

Their bond supernal,

They've broken.

Warm love thoughts,

Though resonant with pain,

Are freely given

As a token.

My recognition to you

For what between us

Will stay and, Unexpectedly,

Was woken.

e.c. 2008

November 4, 2008... definitely an historical day.  And American's don't have any idea what they've just signed up for.  Goodbye the rest of our God given freedoms.. hello socialism to the hilt.  Americans value "safety" over their liberties.  We were warned by our founding fathers about this..and the day has arrived.

Been sick all weekend and also Monday.  :(

I woke today with cloudy skies and rain.. the first "fall" day of the year.  I love it!  :)

Some days there's nothing to say...

My poetry...

Enlightened,

Lovely,

Your words

Went out,

And found home in my flesh.

I believed.

And at that moment

Was broken.

I craved you.

And became what I despise most,

A cannibal

Feeding on your words.

Addicted and bereft of sense.

Your appeal, undeniable,

Achieved the illicit part.

And I, with my obvious transparencies,

Exist here.

Like salt from the sea

Is swept up and left to burn.

Promises, brittle and barren,

Lay like rocks, a constant presence.

If love is sweet,

Hell's the opposite.

And I've tasted both.

e.c.  2002

I have to write something about my birthday.. originally I wasn't even going to mention it here.. but yesterday turned out to be filled with loving, pleasant affirmations from the people around me and it means more than I can express with words.

I had a really bad night Wednesday night...couldn't sleep because my mind wouldn't shut down. Finally I slept but woke up in the morning very depressed and feeling awful about myself and all my short comings, mistakes, weaknesses.  AND..to add to it all..my 40th birthday had arrived which I've had a lot of trepidation about.  Anyway.. I didn't want to get out of bed let alone go to work and talk with anybody.  However..I did get out of bed and I did go to work...and I'm glad I did.  :)

I decided to send flowers to my mother because I always reflect on my birthday how much I appreciate her for bringing me into this world and giving me so much through my childhood. Friends made sushi for me at home and I received a singing telegram and flowers!  What a surprise!  The highlight of my day, however, was my dad calling and saying he was coming over to watch a football game and asking me to bake him a pie..."a pecan pie", he requested.  :D  Of course I couldn't refuse and really.. I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday than appreciating and associating with the people that have given me so much through my life.  I slept well last night...and woke today much more encouraged. 

My poetry...

'Twas Not Chance

'Twas not Chance which found these two hearts entwined,

Nor cast our lots together for all time

But Providence kind, upon us to pile

Ethereal love, (oft misunderstood, for 'tis without guile).

But 'twixt the breath of birth and death, expired

Lies a substance, its' "gifts" desired.

Nor can be ignored, this human impulse when freed

To follow it's path of unabated need.

But run it's course, it's decreed it must

Like all things of nature rust.

Doomed to end when life is spent

And ever lie 'mid dust's decent.

And on each faltering breath impales

Dying desire on rented swells.

But change 'tis given by eternal release

When this poor flesh, it's heart doth cease.

Our bond turns toward higher climes

That matures and strengthens in Eternity's time.

For 'tis love's sweetness that appears!

Beyond the reach of death, it's sphere.

And in Ends instant, love's born entire,

To expand and build, never to expire

And resumes enforce, sweeter than words expressed,

Through eternal rounds increased by God's bequest.

For 'tis this purpose love is born

Our hearts to bind on resurrection's morn

~ec~ 2007

So I went to Vegas overnight (last Thursday) to attend a 50th birthday party for a friend.  It was a crazy party..geared towards the "young crowd".  I felt a bit like a fish out of water.  And I ended the evening laying in bed asking myself why I even went.  I didn't enjoy myself..and the stress in arranging a baby sitter, leaving the kids, taking 1 1/2 days off from work, and spending $350 wasn't worth it.  It put a lot of stress on the upcoming weekend that wouldn't have been there if I would have just stayed home.  The baby got sick..and I spent Saturday with a screaming baby that no one but me could comfort...which carried into Sunday.  It was nerve wracking to deal with because I had so many other things I was trying to cover those two days...and by the time Sunday night came I felt like I needed a good stiff drink and a weekend all over again.

Besides...I'm feeling a bit bummed.  This Thursday I'm having my 40th birthday.  I don't think there will be anybody who will be there to celebrate it with me. 40 is supposed to be a mile marker and it is, of sorts.  I think I'll spend it quietly, with myself.. and a bottle of wine.  :)

I've come to the conclusion that the most important aspect of life is relationships.  In order to have any quality of life...one needs other people.  One can have all the talent, money, and fine accommodations that life has to offer and still have "nothing" if there's a lack of relationships that give nurturing and care.  I care deeply for the people who I've formed relationships with.  It goes completely against my nature to quit caring just because there's difficulties.  Believe me, I get angry, jealous, critical, feel neglected, feel lonely and/or isolated, feel vulnerable and insecure ..and I sometimes lash out and hurt those I love the most.  I can be sharp and critical...sometimes sarcastic...and very removed.   All these are my defense mechanisms.  But...

I believe that I will be judged by God based on how I treat people that have come into my life..from the deepest relationship to the most casual...my judgement will be based on how I've loved (or not loved) in those relationships.  I've been looking back over my life and know I have people who I need to ask forgiveness from.  Part of living true to myself is  developing uncompromising integrity within these relationships.  At times, I've compromised myself.  I feel terrible about it.  When I've hurt someone I love because of a weakness I have, I  ache over it until I can get it resolved.  When it's a situation where  there seems to be no resolution...it haunts me.  And today, I feel haunted.

Ohhh... A Joy of Motherhood...

I am so proud of my son.  I've been thinking today..and the last little while.. how Alma Claude is growing into a young man whom I'm so very proud of.  This past summer he started, with his brother Paul,  his own little business doing yard maintenance for people in the community.  It changed him a LOT...having that responsibility.  He's learned a lot about managing money, managing his time, service to others, what's successful and what's not, how to deal with people who want to take advantage of him, developed a good work ethic, learned accountability through being the one who's on the line to make sure the job gets done and it's acceptable to the "customer", and through it all, gained a lot of confidence in himself that he has control of his life and he's the one that will make himself the person he wants to be.  Even though he's had his brothers help him, he's been the one that has managed the project, been the contact person for people in the community, and has been the leader in working, getting the job done well, and making sure the boys get paid for the work they did.  I am so joyful watching him develop this maturity.  It's such an essential part of what will create success for him as an adult.  And I've worried so much that he wouldn't be able to develop this.  

He's such a sensitive person.  I've always known this about him..but I watch him and realize I haven't tuned in to this near as much as I could have.  He's very intelligent.  He cares about people..and about treating others fairly and kindly.  He's had difficulties socially in school because he won't "run with the crowd".  He's always walked to the beat of his own drum.  He has a deep sense of justice.  He has a basic love for people.  He'll befriend the social under dog against the teasing and criticism of his peers.  I love seeing that he has enough sense of his individual self that he'll do what he thinks is right above having the acceptance of the people around him.  He's had a lot of struggle with being motivated to learn.  But this summer changed him.  This year, I don't have to nag him about his homework.  He monitors it himself and is keeping caught up with his class work.  He's forging mentoring relationships with his teachers.  He's confident socially.  He still doesn't run with the popular crowd, but they seek his association.

He's very creative.  He's been terrible at writing.  Doesn't spell words right.  Doesn't have a big vocabulary.  Had difficulty writing complete sentences and understanding how language works.  He wouldn't capitalize his sentences or put punctuation where it needed to be.  I was very worried and had many talks with his teachers about the problem.  But at the end of the school year last year, one of his teachers talked with him about writing and the out come of that conversation was that he decided to write a book.  It's fantasy.  I've read parts of it and am quite impressed because he's learned how to write.  He edits his writing and has taught himself the proper sentence structure, punctuation, spelling, and vocabulary he needs to write down the story he's created in his head.  He uses a dictionary regularly.  AND he's spent hours and hours of his free time working on it..and continues to work on it.  He's very serious about it and wants to get it published.

He's also very artistic.  He draws amazingly well.  I'm encouraging him to take art classes to develop this talent.  And, surprisingly, he's decided he wants to learn how to play the guitar.  So, a friend gave him a guitar, I helped him buy some books, and he's found himself a mentor who lives in the neighboring community, Cane Beds, to teach him guitar.  He also is working with one of his teachers who will help him learn it.

There is no feeling in the world like watching your children learn how to create a life for themselves with a work ethic that will bring them many experiences that will develop them into a well rounded person and create for them a happy, productive, fulfilling life.

I love him very much..and will in spite of his choices.  My love for him will never go away.  But it brings a lot of happiness to me to see him happy and full of confidence..and developing successful values.  And he's choosing it for himself.  NOT because he feels like it will please his parents, but because he sees that it's what will bring him success in his life.

Today...

is one of those days I ask myself why I wasn't created lesbian or..maybe something even better..asexual.

Actually..you know...I should be a man hater...one of those dikes with very short, spiked hair..a macho, "don't piss with me" attitude.. and completely devoid of any feeling what so ever... BUT... I wasn't created that way.

I'm a warm, feeling, caring (too much), vibrant, woman who has the need to be adored, loved and to give the same back. There in lies my conflict.  If I could become unmoved..unemotional, I think the majority of my problems would melt away.

*And, no..I DON'T want to be a lesbian!

Community Events

This weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, the community had their annual fall fair festival.  The whole community plus people from the surrounding area turned out for it.  There were people that came from as far as SLC, Utah, but also St. George, Hurricane, Cedar City, Cane Beds, Fredonia, and Colorado City.  

Our family had a food booth where we sold shrimp and brat's on skewers...and 3 different sandwiches.  It's a lot of hard work...days worth of work besides the actual fair days because we had to set up the booth, shop for the all the ingredients and coordinate all the details plus do all the preliminary preparation of the food the night before each day of selling.  The fair is a community effort and funds are raised for improvements with in the community such as public restrooms, community ball fields, improvements on the community center..etc.  It's a great addition to community pride and culture.  Each year it gets a little bigger, and reaches a little further into the surrounding communities.  I assume that it will eventually attract quite a number of people that aren't local to our community.  It seems people enjoy these sort of community functions and I believe it gives them a sense of belonging.  Many of the people I met were people I knew in my childhood but who had been gone from the community for 20+ years.  It was great to re-connect.  It's interesting the dynamics of small rural community life.  The people I grew up with I feel a connection with.  I grew up viewing them as part of my extended family and still, today, feel that way about them.  So when I see them, it's renewing old friendships.

..it's been sad... experiencing the disintegration of the community I grew up in.  It's amazing how one evil, conniving man, or a few evil conniving men,  can destroy something so quickly that was a very good thing and... something that took years to build.

to better articulate...

This month has flown by!  I thought when I got to be the "venerable" age of 40 I'd be on the way to being ...sooooo mature...soooooo grounded...knowing who I am...and having accomplishments coming out my ears.  Well, I'll be 40 in a few weeks and I'm looking at my life and saying, "Holy Sh__! those 20 years flew by."  I feel a bit ripped off...and......scared?  It's led to some re-evaluation on my part.  Course it seems I'm always in the mode of re-evaluation but this is more.. this focusing on myself..what I've made with my life...who I'm becoming...saying to myself that the "buck stops with me" for the things I want to keep and enlarge in my life.  And the buck stops with me when it comes to the things I need to let go.  And, really, for the first time in my life.. realizing that I have the say, the ONLY say, in what I want for my life... who I want to be.  See.. nobody can really do anything about me..but me.  And in the end, people might care about the choices I make..feel bad for the choices I make, but my choices are all about me..no one else.  I'm just a bit chargined that it's taken me until 40 to come to this.  But it's highly empowering to realize that the center of my life is me.  That's not being selfish.  It's realizing that the choices I make are for me and about me.  I might be able to have influence with other people, and they might have influence with me, but everything I choose to do, the responsibility of the outcome of that choice, rests on me.  I've made so many choices for other people and based from fear.  My 40's will be the decade to live more true to me.

Just whatever...

I'm tired this morning... sooooo tired..and sore.  We decided to can peaches this year.  We were able to acquire some peaches..about 17 bushels..and yesterday was the day we agreed to "put them up".  It's also one of my laundry days..so, I went home after work, started my laundry, nursed the baby, and spent until 2:30 a.m. canning, taking care of the baby, and getting my laundry done.  That's why I'm so tired this morning, BUT it's not why I'm so sore.

I've began working out again after the baby.  Every Tuesday I do a weight session.  In this session I lift heavy weights ...heavy enough that I burn out.  I have this session once a week.  That's all the muscles can handle because the weight is so heavy.  I knew it would be hard to get back into it and lately I've been really discouraged about being so out of shape.  I have to preach myself my own words.  Consistency, consistency, consistency with my workouts..that's what will make the difference.

Life's ebb and flow

I have an aunt who has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  She had the tumor removed and the doctors thought she was on her way to recovery when they did another test and it came back showing the cancer had spread to several other places in her body.  She is considered at a class 4 (which is the worst diagnosis for cancer).  So she started chemotherapy.  She had beautiful grey hair..curly and elegant with the way she combed it.  She's lost most of it now..and wears a wig..which looks really good on her.  She does well at keeping positive and encouraged.  She's a strong, dynamic, intelligent woman...and beautiful...was extremely beautiful in her youth...and still is very beautiful today.  She was a big part of my growing up years.  My dad's family and my uncle's family were very close..almost like one family.  I've always loved and respected her.

I've just been thinking about her..and praying that God will give her what she needs and that his healing influence will be with her.  She's the second aunt I have that has developed breast cancer.  I had another aunt die from breast cancer 15 years ago.  It's a bit disconcerting when you begin to experience losing people that have always been there.  When I lose my parents, I know it will be HUGE for me to deal with.  It's part of life..but knowing that doesn't make it easier to go through.

Music

I love music.  I've said for years that music is in my soul.  I have a very eclectic taste in music and enjoy a wide scope of genres...from jazz, classical, opera, rock, alternative, blues, broadway, big band, folk, world, (a LITTLE BIT of) country (..and I'd say mostly bluegrass and "old" country rather than the new fangled country).  So, if someone would have told me 10 years ago that I'd be a Willie Nelson fan I would have told them they're full of crap.  But,....here I am today..and I'm becoming a BIG Willie fan.  Imagine that!!  What I enjoy about his music is how "musical" it is.  Willie has a sense of what music is all about.  He conveys very well...emotion and perspective through his music.  He doesn't have an operatic voice...but it's distinctive and lyrical and therefore... brings a sort of freshness to the music he plays.  He's a musician AND an artist.

Music has the ability to communicate deep, meaningful emotions.  It is a medium that has no boundaries and has it's own universal language.  It can evoke the same emotion in a Russian as well as  a Chinese person...a black person as well as a white person.  It's why it's so powerful and so loved..and such a part of life.  So...today I take a moment to relish the proposition that I have a great collection of music..and I have the opportunity to continue to have even more exposure to great music, both old ground breaking genres and new, innovative music that will continue to flow from the creative minds of the up and coming generations.

Love...

I place a great deal of importance on interpersonal relationships.  I've felt this way since I was a small child and have always forged relationships independent of my parents, siblings, or other friends.  What I mean by that is that my developing a friendship with someone hasn't hinged on if they're acceptable to the people in my life.  It's based on interests, compatibility, and common values...and sometimes just an immediate bonding and attraction.  

Well..I'm going on 21 years of marriage and I feel less informed about relationships today than I did at 20 years of age.  When I was  younger, I took so much for granted because relationships seemed to come so easy.  My perspective was that if I gave enough, put as priority (often above myself) the people I loved, and always kept open then things would be good and I would get my needs met.  Not so, I've since learned.  People are who they are.  I can't change anyone but myself.  Nor can I determine how another individual will react to me.  I can be feeling all the love in the world...be feeling romantic, warm, and open...and it can be totally unreciprocated.  I don't believe it's this way intentionally.  It's just how people are hard wired.  But it's hurtful all the same, even when I tell myself I shouldn't be hurt or that it's redundant to have expectations different than what I know it will be like.  The heart doesn't seem to work in accord with reason.

I came across a quote recently in a book I read..and the gist of the quote is this:  "Loving someone is a choice you make everyday."  That seems to contradict and challenge the general populace's definition of Love.  And for me, it certainly did.  But the more I think about it, the more I come to agree with it.  I can choose to love regardless of what I receive back (or don't receive back).  But this is a more difficult path.  It's easy to love when you're receiving love but when you're receiving "nothing"...or not receiving what fulfills you or what you need, it's much more difficult.  I believe that God loves us with this kind of love and that Christ does also. Loving us regardless of what they receive back from us.  My hope for myself is that I can emulate this love throughout my relationships.

Relationships

Why are relationships so complicated?  And why do we humans seem to have a disease with relationships called.. disconnection?  Why does one side in a relationship always seem to give more than the other side?  And is this because of unhealthy dependency issues on the part of the one who's giving or is it a deficiency with the other party involved who doesn't have the inclination to extend themselves or have an emotional need to connect with their partner?  And how does one know how to draw the line and say, "no more"..."respect me, damnit!"?  And what does love look like anyway?  Grrr...

Old and New

What is it about new that I find so stimulating?  I was just thinking this morning as I opened a new tube of mascara and was applying it...how nice it was to be using a new tube...how smoothly it applied to my eyelashes and how CLEAN it was and how I'd like to have a new tube to use everyday.  That got me to thinking about other things that feel so nice new...  New music, a new book, New clothes, new shoes, newly cleaned house, new baby, new car, new acquaintance, new beginnings, newly fallen snow, a new day, spring, newly cut grass, a new school year, new students, ...and the list went on in my mind.  Then I thought.."well..isn't that a bit ungratful..to always be looking for something more than what I already have?  So, THAT led me to thinking about the opposite..OLD....and thinking how much I love and depend on and get comfort from old things... I've a terrible habit of keeping things beyond their use like a piece of clothing that I love and have worn for years.. a pair of shoes that have been so comfortable... I draw cheer, comfort, and pleasure from things like.....a nicknack someone has given me...old letters, cards, and e-mails...my older children...old friends, sisters & brothers and mothers and Papa, grandma...old photos... old acquaintances...old books, aged wine, aged cheese, evenings, weekends, history, etc..etc.  :)  So, I'm grateful for what I have, and look forward to what more there is to enjoy.  Here's to the new AND the old..and the comfort and stimulation that has come into my life by it all.