I woke today with cloudy skies and rain.. the first "fall" day of the year.  I love it!  :)

Some days there's nothing to say...

My poetry...

Enlightened,

Lovely,

Your words

Went out,

And found home in my flesh.

I believed.

And at that moment

Was broken.

I craved you.

And became what I despise most,

A cannibal

Feeding on your words.

Addicted and bereft of sense.

Your appeal, undeniable,

Achieved the illicit part.

And I, with my obvious transparencies,

Exist here.

Like salt from the sea

Is swept up and left to burn.

Promises, brittle and barren,

Lay like rocks, a constant presence.

If love is sweet,

Hell's the opposite.

And I've tasted both.

e.c.  2002

I have to write something about my birthday.. originally I wasn't even going to mention it here.. but yesterday turned out to be filled with loving, pleasant affirmations from the people around me and it means more than I can express with words.

I had a really bad night Wednesday night...couldn't sleep because my mind wouldn't shut down. Finally I slept but woke up in the morning very depressed and feeling awful about myself and all my short comings, mistakes, weaknesses.  AND..to add to it all..my 40th birthday had arrived which I've had a lot of trepidation about.  Anyway.. I didn't want to get out of bed let alone go to work and talk with anybody.  However..I did get out of bed and I did go to work...and I'm glad I did.  :)

I decided to send flowers to my mother because I always reflect on my birthday how much I appreciate her for bringing me into this world and giving me so much through my childhood. Friends made sushi for me at home and I received a singing telegram and flowers!  What a surprise!  The highlight of my day, however, was my dad calling and saying he was coming over to watch a football game and asking me to bake him a pie..."a pecan pie", he requested.  :D  Of course I couldn't refuse and really.. I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday than appreciating and associating with the people that have given me so much through my life.  I slept well last night...and woke today much more encouraged. 

My poetry...

'Twas Not Chance

'Twas not Chance which found these two hearts entwined,

Nor cast our lots together for all time

But Providence kind, upon us to pile

Ethereal love, (oft misunderstood, for 'tis without guile).

But 'twixt the breath of birth and death, expired

Lies a substance, its' "gifts" desired.

Nor can be ignored, this human impulse when freed

To follow it's path of unabated need.

But run it's course, it's decreed it must

Like all things of nature rust.

Doomed to end when life is spent

And ever lie 'mid dust's decent.

And on each faltering breath impales

Dying desire on rented swells.

But change 'tis given by eternal release

When this poor flesh, it's heart doth cease.

Our bond turns toward higher climes

That matures and strengthens in Eternity's time.

For 'tis love's sweetness that appears!

Beyond the reach of death, it's sphere.

And in Ends instant, love's born entire,

To expand and build, never to expire

And resumes enforce, sweeter than words expressed,

Through eternal rounds increased by God's bequest.

For 'tis this purpose love is born

Our hearts to bind on resurrection's morn

~ec~ 2007

So I went to Vegas overnight (last Thursday) to attend a 50th birthday party for a friend.  It was a crazy party..geared towards the "young crowd".  I felt a bit like a fish out of water.  And I ended the evening laying in bed asking myself why I even went.  I didn't enjoy myself..and the stress in arranging a baby sitter, leaving the kids, taking 1 1/2 days off from work, and spending $350 wasn't worth it.  It put a lot of stress on the upcoming weekend that wouldn't have been there if I would have just stayed home.  The baby got sick..and I spent Saturday with a screaming baby that no one but me could comfort...which carried into Sunday.  It was nerve wracking to deal with because I had so many other things I was trying to cover those two days...and by the time Sunday night came I felt like I needed a good stiff drink and a weekend all over again.

Besides...I'm feeling a bit bummed.  This Thursday I'm having my 40th birthday.  I don't think there will be anybody who will be there to celebrate it with me. 40 is supposed to be a mile marker and it is, of sorts.  I think I'll spend it quietly, with myself.. and a bottle of wine.  :)

I've come to the conclusion that the most important aspect of life is relationships.  In order to have any quality of life...one needs other people.  One can have all the talent, money, and fine accommodations that life has to offer and still have "nothing" if there's a lack of relationships that give nurturing and care.  I care deeply for the people who I've formed relationships with.  It goes completely against my nature to quit caring just because there's difficulties.  Believe me, I get angry, jealous, critical, feel neglected, feel lonely and/or isolated, feel vulnerable and insecure ..and I sometimes lash out and hurt those I love the most.  I can be sharp and critical...sometimes sarcastic...and very removed.   All these are my defense mechanisms.  But...

I believe that I will be judged by God based on how I treat people that have come into my life..from the deepest relationship to the most casual...my judgement will be based on how I've loved (or not loved) in those relationships.  I've been looking back over my life and know I have people who I need to ask forgiveness from.  Part of living true to myself is  developing uncompromising integrity within these relationships.  At times, I've compromised myself.  I feel terrible about it.  When I've hurt someone I love because of a weakness I have, I  ache over it until I can get it resolved.  When it's a situation where  there seems to be no resolution...it haunts me.  And today, I feel haunted.

Ohhh... A Joy of Motherhood...

I am so proud of my son.  I've been thinking today..and the last little while.. how Alma Claude is growing into a young man whom I'm so very proud of.  This past summer he started, with his brother Paul,  his own little business doing yard maintenance for people in the community.  It changed him a LOT...having that responsibility.  He's learned a lot about managing money, managing his time, service to others, what's successful and what's not, how to deal with people who want to take advantage of him, developed a good work ethic, learned accountability through being the one who's on the line to make sure the job gets done and it's acceptable to the "customer", and through it all, gained a lot of confidence in himself that he has control of his life and he's the one that will make himself the person he wants to be.  Even though he's had his brothers help him, he's been the one that has managed the project, been the contact person for people in the community, and has been the leader in working, getting the job done well, and making sure the boys get paid for the work they did.  I am so joyful watching him develop this maturity.  It's such an essential part of what will create success for him as an adult.  And I've worried so much that he wouldn't be able to develop this.  

He's such a sensitive person.  I've always known this about him..but I watch him and realize I haven't tuned in to this near as much as I could have.  He's very intelligent.  He cares about people..and about treating others fairly and kindly.  He's had difficulties socially in school because he won't "run with the crowd".  He's always walked to the beat of his own drum.  He has a deep sense of justice.  He has a basic love for people.  He'll befriend the social under dog against the teasing and criticism of his peers.  I love seeing that he has enough sense of his individual self that he'll do what he thinks is right above having the acceptance of the people around him.  He's had a lot of struggle with being motivated to learn.  But this summer changed him.  This year, I don't have to nag him about his homework.  He monitors it himself and is keeping caught up with his class work.  He's forging mentoring relationships with his teachers.  He's confident socially.  He still doesn't run with the popular crowd, but they seek his association.

He's very creative.  He's been terrible at writing.  Doesn't spell words right.  Doesn't have a big vocabulary.  Had difficulty writing complete sentences and understanding how language works.  He wouldn't capitalize his sentences or put punctuation where it needed to be.  I was very worried and had many talks with his teachers about the problem.  But at the end of the school year last year, one of his teachers talked with him about writing and the out come of that conversation was that he decided to write a book.  It's fantasy.  I've read parts of it and am quite impressed because he's learned how to write.  He edits his writing and has taught himself the proper sentence structure, punctuation, spelling, and vocabulary he needs to write down the story he's created in his head.  He uses a dictionary regularly.  AND he's spent hours and hours of his free time working on it..and continues to work on it.  He's very serious about it and wants to get it published.

He's also very artistic.  He draws amazingly well.  I'm encouraging him to take art classes to develop this talent.  And, surprisingly, he's decided he wants to learn how to play the guitar.  So, a friend gave him a guitar, I helped him buy some books, and he's found himself a mentor who lives in the neighboring community, Cane Beds, to teach him guitar.  He also is working with one of his teachers who will help him learn it.

There is no feeling in the world like watching your children learn how to create a life for themselves with a work ethic that will bring them many experiences that will develop them into a well rounded person and create for them a happy, productive, fulfilling life.

I love him very much..and will in spite of his choices.  My love for him will never go away.  But it brings a lot of happiness to me to see him happy and full of confidence..and developing successful values.  And he's choosing it for himself.  NOT because he feels like it will please his parents, but because he sees that it's what will bring him success in his life.