I'm on my last day of vacation.  I'll regret having to come back to work..in a way.  But it's always nice getting back into the rhythm of the humdrum.

...I didn't do anything interesting... just my daily cleaning, laundry, and various other domestic things..and I read.  I read the whole Twilight series.  I had determined that I wouldn't waste my time on watching the movie OR reading the books.  I ended up watching the movie first...and I must have been in one of my "sentimental" moods..in reaction to my "romantically void" life..because I decided to read the first book.  Needless to say, I read all four books in just over a week (each book being between 600 to 700 pages).  The author created some really interesting, engaging characters that (sappy people like me) get attached to.  It'll be interesting to see if she continues with any of the characters in future stories.  Do I have the opinion that this series is an all time great?  No, not necessarily.. but it makes for a bit of a sentimental, suspenseful, romantic read.  

How surreal..  I have another dear friend who I just got news that her husband died.  It was expected because he had cancer..but really sad.  And I ache for her.  :(

Today, I received news that a very good friend's husband died.  The news of death never comes easy.  And yet, death is such a part of life.  As I get older, experiences with death teach me more about the human-ness of us all.  This body we inherit when we're born is a beautiful, amazing, resilient entity, and yet, it's so fragile and affected by the living we do.

As I think of my friend and what she must be going through, my heart aches for her and I wish there was something I could do to ease her pain and anguish.  But I know I can't take away from the experience she's going through.  It is what it is.  However, I can love her and let her know that.  It's always difficult for me to know what to do for people who are going through this kind of experience.  I feel all "all thumbs" and so awkward.  This translates into awkwardness when I'm with people.  I'm going to see my friend this afternoon and I just hope that I can communicate my love and support to her in a way that will be of help to her.

Amazing weather...like none I've ever experienced in all the years I've lived here in the area of Arizona!  We had a very dry spring but since the middle of May we've been having monsoon weather.  Every day has brought clouds, cool temperatures, and frequently, rain.  It's supposed to be warming up but this morning I woke to heavy clouds threatening rain.  It's weather I could get used to.  :)

Tonight I'm going to my wine club.  I'm looking forward to it.  Some of us have divided into committees to take care of the running of the club.  I'm on the purchasing committee.  I've already learned a lot, but I suspect, there's so much more to learn I haven't begun to scratch the surface.  If anyone happens upon this blog and has a recommendation for a great wine (has to fit my pocket book too ;) )..please, feel free to leave me a note.  Cheers!  

funny life...

some days

worth it

some days

just shit

some days

satisfaction

some days

pain

some days

perspective wide

as the world

some days

perspective clouded

by sheets of rain

some days

full of sun

some days

black stain.

Meriel is a year old as of June 2nd.  What a little pill..and it's always amazing to think of how much I love her.  Once you have a child, you life is never your own again.  There's always a part of you "out there" that you're vitality attached to and have a big interest in.  You also have to consider your children first over yourself ...every day.  I wouldn't change that for the world....even though I've given up some huge things that I've felt I needed for myself...very vital, integral things.  I've done this to give my children a secure, loving family environment to grow up in.  It gives me a lot of satisfaction to see that they are loved and they feel secure and confident in their scope of life and action.   But more than that, I know I'm ultimately responsible to give them a secure, healthy start in life.

Why am I writing this?  This morning, Meriel happily waved goodbye to me as I drove off to work.  She was eagerly looking forward to spending the day with her brothers and sisters pursing whatever adventures happened upon them today.  My heart is full of love for her, and I miss her even though I'm just at work.  And I get to look forward to seeing her after work and have her chubby little arms around my neck..and her head snuggling into my shoulder...and her big, cheesy smile telling me how much she loves me.  What a bargain.  :)

This hurt remembering

Gets no relief from passing time.

Days flow through months, then years.

Your space, still void, unfilled.

This yearning bubbles

Then 'or flows, unstoppable.

Catching big jagged pieces of you

That always remain.

Life without us has this look.

You, threaded between my thoughts.

Held in my mind's eye

Real, tangible, just out of reach.

These memories spurred by a song,

Or a moment of quiet pondering,

A glimpse of a Renior.

Your breath comes softly on my skin.

Born by a full moonlit night, a rainy morning,

And even, sunlight playing with clouds in a blue sky.

My sighs ascend, inscense and suffering

As my choice burns.

e.c. 2009