http://www.sonomauncorked.com/

http://www.sonomauncorked.com/

funny...sort of.. ;)

http://www.djarot.com/reality-worst-game-ever/

I think I'm the most boring blogger in the world.  I sometimes wonder why I continue to post... I should rename my blog.. Boring Blogger's Blabber.  :D 

This past weekend, fire smoke has been covering southern Utah and northern Arizona.  There's a forest fire on Pine Valley mountain (http://www.utahforests.org/pinevalley.html).  It's sad.  Instead of rain with the rainy season at this time of year, we now get fires.

California has been getting  fires instead of rain too, for the past 5 or so years.    When the "rainy" season hits, there's plenty of lightening to start the fires..but not as much rain as there should be.   The cause of all this dryness is the worst drought since 1400 years ago.  Imagine that!  It's sad because it's destroying the natural habitat in some areas of California.  And experts say, the habitat has less and less chance of recovering with each season of fires.   In Utah, there are large swaths of forest land that have been burned.  It's becoming a vicious cycle...a scary, vicious cycle.  :(

So... I get a new computer!!!  Whoohoo...  Having your computer crash DOES have it's advantages.  *Cheesy Grin*

(However, it's not something that I wish to happen very often.)

Damn..Damn..and Damn...  My computer crashed.  The warranty expired so our computer tech girl is going to try to fix it.  When your computer crashes..it's like, in a way, your arm is cut off.  The only upside is if she cant' fix it, I'll have to get a new one.  Whip me, beat me.

I'm no having a good week...starting with last friday.

Advice...

Never party, lose track of how many drinks you're drinking... and thereby get drunk ..all on a work night. It really...really... really..SUCKS the next day.

I'm listening to Clint Eastwood's composition of the movie score of Gran Torino. He wrote the music and he sings it with Jamie Cullum.

Clint Eastwood (in my opinion) is a classy guy. I haven't heard any music he's composed that I haven't loved. I've been a fan of his movies for years. When I was young and watched westerns he starred in, was when I was first introduced to the talent that is known as Clint Eastwood. He's an "old guy" now..and I enjoy watching him as much today as ever. But what a pleasant surprise when I discovered he wrote the musical score to "Bridges of Madison County"! ...Doe Eyes. It's one of my all time favorite musical scores. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic (I suspect I am). But I can't help have a healthy respect for the talent of Clint Eastwood who acts, directs, and composes music.

(...wish I knew how to put a music clip of Gran Torino on my blog.)

Why do I love Jewel's (that's Jewel Kilcher) music so much? ....It's the lyrics ..... which are PURE POETRY. Then, to add to this talent, ....she puts music to her poetry and it equates to powerful messages. For example:

Amen

~Jewel

You're mothers' child

But night lays you down

Hair aflame, wild look in your eyes

Naked belly to the ground

A forest fire nibbles at your veins

Crawls up your arm

Runs away with your mind

And burns dry thoughts like leaves

Amen

Eyes stare up

But something's in the way

In the Bible only angels have wings

And the rest must wait to be saved

A dry tongue

Screams at the sky

But the wind just breathes words in

As a strange bird tries to fly

Amen

Pieces of us die every day

As though our flesh were hell

Such injustice

As children we are told

That from God we fell.

Where are my angels?

Where's my golden one?

Where's my hope?

Now that my heroes have gone

Some are being beaten

Some are being born

And some can't tell the difference anymore

Amen

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Wow!

Today I feel like such a..... "nerd". I've been going through such a slump the past year or so. I don't know where the drive and passion for living has gone. It's like I'm sort of ...broken. Things that I used to derive so much enjoyment out of, I can't seem to be motivated to even care about anymore... for example... small things like cleaning my bedroom, folding my laundry and getting it put away, and big things like..working out, cooking,...and gardening...socializing with friends (I think about "going out" for an evening, and most of the time, I can't face it.) ...even reading (my all time favorite enjoyment since I was a kid..) seems to be too much of an effort most of the time. I used to get so much satisfaction out of having my life full, productive, and moving... I wake in the morning and want to put my head under my pillow and go back to sleep.

*sigh* I think I'm in a bit of a depression. I try to get off dead center..and I do well for a couple weeks...and then, plunk.. I'm back in that rut. Not being motivated to exercise just adds to the feeling of self disapproval and self incrimination. I hate it..but if I hate feeling this way.. why don't I do more about it?? grrrr.

I had such a great time last night.

Mohave Community College has created a foundation that hosts events for the purpose of raising funds for scholarships, arts facilities, sports facilities, etc, and raising public awareness of educational opportunity and promoting cultural diversity through the arts within the community. The hope is that people will gain a greater appreciation for the arts and lose their fear of...(open their minds so to speak)... things that don't fit within their scope of "acceptable" material for enjoyment. (I have a much broader taste in music, for example, than most people in the community and I get teased about my musical taste regularly. I'm such a fan of jazz. Very few people in the southern utah enjoy this genre of music.)

So, last night, the foundation hosted an event. It was a "black tie" affair featuring for entertainment, a 7 man choral group that sang black spirituals. The evening began with light

hors d'oeuvre's being served with a limited selection of wine. The choral group then sang for awhile. They then had an intermission where dessert and coffee were served, and then...surprise!..... a concert pianist played some Beethoven. It was wonderful. The choral group then finished their performance.

I enjoyed the music (and the food and wine) immensely. I was sitting there listening to the music and wanted to pinch myself to make sure it was real. I've loved black spirituals for as long as I can remember. I couldn't believe that little Centennial Park actually was having such an event. (I say that because Centennial Park is such a extremely conservative community.) It made the evening all the more enjoyable.

The professor who led the choral group is very excited about the abundance of musical talent in the community. He's so excited about it, he's coming back in the fall to continue teaching the choral group and is opening up another section for women. I'm excited enough about it that I'm planning on joining. I haven't had this kind of opportunity in a very long time and it's time I, again, branch out into things that I love and have a passion for.

...If I didn't have other priorities in my life, I would spend my time in the pursuit of enriching cultural experiences. I could "get lost" in this pursuit. However, kids tend to keep you grounded.

I'm more than a bit pissed at the moment. I invested in a speaker/ipod dock and the power cord quit working. I thought ..."no problem, I'll go online and get another one..couldn't be difficult to find..and of COURSE it'd be inexpensive."  Well, I've searched for two days and finally found the item, but every link I go to, the item is sold out.  I'm so pissed!!  It feels like a racket by the company ..to make the accessories to their products unavailable so you have to buy a new product.  I makes me so angry because it's unethical as well as damn poor customer service/customer awareness. Sometimes I wonder why companies are so stupid.  Ultimately, this kind of poor service will result in customers going elsewhere.  And now I'm stuck with a product that doesn't work unless I use batteries.  Grrrr..."breathe Ellie". 

I'm on my last day of vacation.  I'll regret having to come back to work..in a way.  But it's always nice getting back into the rhythm of the humdrum.

...I didn't do anything interesting... just my daily cleaning, laundry, and various other domestic things..and I read.  I read the whole Twilight series.  I had determined that I wouldn't waste my time on watching the movie OR reading the books.  I ended up watching the movie first...and I must have been in one of my "sentimental" moods..in reaction to my "romantically void" life..because I decided to read the first book.  Needless to say, I read all four books in just over a week (each book being between 600 to 700 pages).  The author created some really interesting, engaging characters that (sappy people like me) get attached to.  It'll be interesting to see if she continues with any of the characters in future stories.  Do I have the opinion that this series is an all time great?  No, not necessarily.. but it makes for a bit of a sentimental, suspenseful, romantic read.  

How surreal..  I have another dear friend who I just got news that her husband died.  It was expected because he had cancer..but really sad.  And I ache for her.  :(

Today, I received news that a very good friend's husband died.  The news of death never comes easy.  And yet, death is such a part of life.  As I get older, experiences with death teach me more about the human-ness of us all.  This body we inherit when we're born is a beautiful, amazing, resilient entity, and yet, it's so fragile and affected by the living we do.

As I think of my friend and what she must be going through, my heart aches for her and I wish there was something I could do to ease her pain and anguish.  But I know I can't take away from the experience she's going through.  It is what it is.  However, I can love her and let her know that.  It's always difficult for me to know what to do for people who are going through this kind of experience.  I feel all "all thumbs" and so awkward.  This translates into awkwardness when I'm with people.  I'm going to see my friend this afternoon and I just hope that I can communicate my love and support to her in a way that will be of help to her.

Amazing weather...like none I've ever experienced in all the years I've lived here in the area of Arizona!  We had a very dry spring but since the middle of May we've been having monsoon weather.  Every day has brought clouds, cool temperatures, and frequently, rain.  It's supposed to be warming up but this morning I woke to heavy clouds threatening rain.  It's weather I could get used to.  :)

Tonight I'm going to my wine club.  I'm looking forward to it.  Some of us have divided into committees to take care of the running of the club.  I'm on the purchasing committee.  I've already learned a lot, but I suspect, there's so much more to learn I haven't begun to scratch the surface.  If anyone happens upon this blog and has a recommendation for a great wine (has to fit my pocket book too ;) )..please, feel free to leave me a note.  Cheers!  

funny life...

some days

worth it

some days

just shit

some days

satisfaction

some days

pain

some days

perspective wide

as the world

some days

perspective clouded

by sheets of rain

some days

full of sun

some days

black stain.

Meriel is a year old as of June 2nd.  What a little pill..and it's always amazing to think of how much I love her.  Once you have a child, you life is never your own again.  There's always a part of you "out there" that you're vitality attached to and have a big interest in.  You also have to consider your children first over yourself ...every day.  I wouldn't change that for the world....even though I've given up some huge things that I've felt I needed for myself...very vital, integral things.  I've done this to give my children a secure, loving family environment to grow up in.  It gives me a lot of satisfaction to see that they are loved and they feel secure and confident in their scope of life and action.   But more than that, I know I'm ultimately responsible to give them a secure, healthy start in life.

Why am I writing this?  This morning, Meriel happily waved goodbye to me as I drove off to work.  She was eagerly looking forward to spending the day with her brothers and sisters pursing whatever adventures happened upon them today.  My heart is full of love for her, and I miss her even though I'm just at work.  And I get to look forward to seeing her after work and have her chubby little arms around my neck..and her head snuggling into my shoulder...and her big, cheesy smile telling me how much she loves me.  What a bargain.  :)

This hurt remembering

Gets no relief from passing time.

Days flow through months, then years.

Your space, still void, unfilled.

This yearning bubbles

Then 'or flows, unstoppable.

Catching big jagged pieces of you

That always remain.

Life without us has this look.

You, threaded between my thoughts.

Held in my mind's eye

Real, tangible, just out of reach.

These memories spurred by a song,

Or a moment of quiet pondering,

A glimpse of a Renior.

Your breath comes softly on my skin.

Born by a full moonlit night, a rainy morning,

And even, sunlight playing with clouds in a blue sky.

My sighs ascend, inscense and suffering

As my choice burns.

e.c. 2009

Be Careful Of My Heart

You and your sweet smile

You and your tantalizing ways

You and your honey lips

You and all the sweet things that they say

You and your wild wild ways

One day you just up and walked away

You left me hurting

But I can forgive you for that now

You taught me something

Something took half my life to learn

When you give all yourself away

Just tell them to be careful of your heart

Be careful of my heart, heart

Be careful of this heart of mine

Be careful of my heart, heart

I just might break and send some splinters flying

Be careful of my heart, heart

Be careful

You you you

You you you

You you you

Took my love

Though you took it all

You you you

You you you

You you you

Took my love

And now you're gone

But I'm not breaking down

And I'm  not falling apart

I just lost a little faith

When you broke my heart

Given a chance I might try it again

But I wouldn't risk it all this time

I'd save

A little love for myself

Enough for my heart to mend

A little love for myself

One day I just might love again

One day some sweet smile might turn my head

One day I just might give all myself away

One day

One day

One day

Well...I've become immersed in a new "hobby".  Discovering wine.  I've joined a local wine club where a few people get together and taste various wines.  We then rate them according to value versus taste.  We meet once a month.  My roll is researching wines, finding great buys on the wines the club enjoys, and occasionally purchasing when my curiosity overcomes the hesitation of my pocket book.  :)  It's great fun..and enjoyable socialization..plus a great education on a subject that I've become increasingly interested in the past 10 years.  More to follow...

You've GOT to be kidding me!

Come ON people!! ...why is the american family in shambles today???  Because parents can't discipline.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/madlyn-primoff-when-has-it-become-wrong-to-discipline-your-child-450763

I'm incensed.

poetry: Emily Dickinson

Wild Nights - Wild Nights! (249)

by Emily Dickinson

Wild Nights - Wild Nights!

Were I with thee

Wild Nights should be

Our luxury!

Futile - the winds -

To a heart in port -

Done with the compass -

Done with the chart!

Rowing in Eden -

Ah, the sea!

Might I moor - Tonight -

In thee!

poetry: Emily Dickinson

It's all I have to bring today (26)

by Emily Dickinson

It's all I have to bring today -

This, and my heart beside -

This, and my heart, and all the fields -

And all the  meadows wide -

Be sure you count - should I forget

Some one the sum could tell -

This, and my heart, and all the Bees

Which in the Clover dwell.

So, I've finally made a bit of a breakthrough in my job...with my relationship with my boss.  We had a really good conversation yesterday and I feel so much more resolved and supported.  It's funny how poor communication creates barriers between people.  I've found that very often it's because of misunderstandings with communication rather than people really being "jerks".  It's a good lesson to me that I shouldn't let others affect my confidence so much.

I've lost a LOT of my confidence over the past couple years.  And I'm asking myself why I allowed that..and how I can get myself back.  I miss that confidence and "wholeness" feeling.

I just finished reading J R R Tolkien's "Children of Hurin".  I loved it.  But it's a sad, dark story.  There's so many really cool, interesting characters that Tolkien created.  I wish there was more extensive writing on a lot more of the characters he created.  Also, I curious more than ever about the whole history of Middle Earth.  I want to know more about the dwarves but I don't think Tolkien enlarged much on their history.  And I want to know about the hobbits..where they came from.. and I want to know more indepth about the elves..  What a great story.  It's timeless.  And the more I read the more I gain an appreciation for the parallel to life Tolkien's writing is.  That's what makes these stories of his so great.  I have to say...in my opinion, Tolkien's writing is among the top writing of all time.  But, I understand that opinion comes from a very uneducated mind.  :)  I haven't begun to read all there is to read "out there".

Looks like I'll have to buy the "History of Middle Earth" all volumes.

Soooo... I've just read the first book in a science fiction series, Ender's Game.  This has been around for a long time but I FINALLY DISCOVERED IT.  I can't believe I haven't read this before now.  However, I love the fact that I can still find great reading.  The book is an easy, quick read, not sophisticated per se but very interesting and the plot carries you along.  I had a difficult time putting this book down.  Besides the well written and well developed character of Ender, the ethical and moral issues were interesting and thought provoking.  I grew to love the Ender character and the end of the book came too soon.  Anyway.. if you haven't read this book, let me recommend it to you.  Maybe I'm the only 40 year old on the planet that hasn't heard of this book..that could, quite possibly, be the case.  :)

It always affects me deeply when I hear of a girl being abused and/or raped.  I heard of one such situation today with a niece of mine and it's terrible.  What a person goes through after an experience like that changes the course of their life.  She will never be the same person she was.  I've often thought it's worse than a death sentence because, at least, when you're dead, there's not the suffering.  She will suffer and suffer with this.  The perpetrator of the crime has no idea what he's just done to this beautiful person.  He's killed a part of her that will never be again.  It's not that she can't triumph over the situation but it'll take a lot of work and awful experience before that happens.  I feel for her.. and hope she's getting the information, support, and love she needs.

So..it's state testing time again.  I've been putting in a lot of over time over the past week and a half.  We got Spring Break over the weekend which was great except ... I end up getting sick.  So, I come to work yesterday sick.  I couldn't stay home because I had to make sure all the tests were ready for testing to begin today.  Anyway... so I not only worked yesterday but stayed until 8 p.m. to ensure everything was ready first thing this morning for teachers.  I told my boss that if I wasn't feeling better in the morning then I wouldn't be coming to work.  This morning, I wasn't feeling better so I called in sick.   There's the administrator of the school and then there's the assistant administrator.  I called the assistant because the administrator was gone out of town.  Anyway.. ironically, instead of getting sleep and rest this morning, I spent the time on the phone answering questions from my co-workers about testing.  :(  Finally, after 2 hours of that, the administrator calls me from out of town, is upset that I called in sick, told me I created complete chaos at work because I missed the most important day of my work year, listed all the problems I created, and told me I needed to come into work.  I told her that I had been very well prepared, that teachers only had to follow the protocol they've followed every OTHER year, and that I HAD been on the phone all morning "working" anyway.

So.. I came into work late morning...but I was quite upset and emotional.  I wanted to cry, even though I didn't...and I also felt like crawling back into bed and leading my own little revolt against the "establishment".

Why so upset?  Because of the message sent to me...  That I can only be sick if it's convenient for my employer.  What the hell's the point of taking a sick day when you feel you really need it?  It's taken for granted that I'm a damn dedicated employee.  I always have been.  They count on that from me.  I'm here rain or shine.  And I ALWAYS have left over vacation at the end of the  year (which is nobody's fault but mine and why haven't I learned the lesson after 8 years?) But, the damnable thing about it is that I feel that dedication counts for nothing.  And I'm sitting  here saying to myself..it's my own fault because I've been too easy to deal with.  That's the bottom line.  I've "trained" my employer to take advantage of me.

Looks like I have another thing to undo in my life.

The beauty of children...you'll never find anyone that loves you like a child does.  I can be at an all time low..feel like there's no joy left in my life..and this joyless prospect can be stretched out to infinity in my minds eye...  And then, Meriel hugs me..or smiles at me..and NEEDS me.  And I know I can live through another day.  I get the same from Ellie Dean.. and my other children.  They will always love me..and I will always be "someone" in their eyes.  I'm so lucky to have them.

Alma Claude is learning the guitar and now has taken up the piano.  I've agreed with him that we would collaborate on writing songs.  I'm so proud of him.  He has an aptitude for music, and I'm writing lyrics!  Below is a song I wrote.  He'll help with the music.  It'll be fun to see how things progress.

I dreamed.  I dreamed I had a ticket on a plane.

Tryin' to get to you.  Panic leaves me insane.

This yearin' eats me inside, away.

Thought I was past dreamin' of you night and day.

My dreamin' recounts the ache in my bones.

The words between us hang like stones.

The silence unbroken still calls your name.

And tears I'm dreamin' find me the same.

My decision that day binds me tight in this place.

Can't exorcise your ghost.  You're hauntin' my space.

I dreamed.  I dreamed I had a ticket on a plane.

Tryin' to get to you.  Panic leaves me insane.

This yearin' eats me inside, away.

Thought I was past dreamin' of you night and day.

I wake to a morning, pale and grey.

I lay here cryin' with nothin' to say.

The day stretches before me, same old drone.

I roll over and sigh.  My hand finds me alone.

Too fresh this feeling, still lovin' you.

Like no time has passed in our world of two.

I dreamed.  I dreamed I had a ticket on a plane.

Tryin', tryin' to reach you.  Panic leaves me insane.

This yearin' eats me inside, away.

Thought I was past dreamin'.  It's too hard to say.

Dreamin', dreamin',  Mmmmm  Love you still.

Dreamin', dreamin', it's a damn tough pill.

Dreamin', dreamin, Mmmm Love you still

Mmmmm, dreamin', our love, our will.

e.c.  2009

I've come to the conclusion that part of the reason I've been in such a funk with myself is that I'm doing nothing..and I mean NOTHING that produces creativity in my life.  I used to sing...paint...cook for fun.. now, I do none of those things.  Couple that with a lot less physical activity and just coming off from having a baby..and there you have it.  I'm in a funk.  Most of my time at home is used up with laundry, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc.  By the time I have any time to myself, I'm so damn tired that all I want to do is fall into bed.  Soooo... I've already started on an exercise regime that I think will help.  But I think I'll put aside some time every week to do art and other creative things like.. practice the drums, or the guitar.  We'll see where it takes me.  :)

...I sometimes wonder if I really have the strength inside to accomplish what I've committed to do.  I have moments where I'm amazed at how much pain I can really absorb.  When I get to that point inside where I feel like I can't take it anymore, I somehow find the resolve I need to get up in the morning, center and focus myself, and continue.  I'm learning this life isn't about being "fulfilled".  Life is about living true to my conscious, about loving others, and making the sacrifices God asks of me.  If I don't accomplish this, when I'm an old woman, all I'll have for my life's legacy is bitterness and disappointment.  So, I realize that pain and suffering is necessary in the accomplishment of my goals.  What is happiness anyway?  Is it this body feeling good?  Pleasure is not happiness.  I think it's a common mistake of the thinking of today's world..that happiness is measured by how good the body feels.

At the moment I feel so isolated.  I'm afraid, feeling wounded, and I don't have a clear view of what's ahead of me.  I have to survive.  I have to live.  I have to find the peace and assurance I'm looking for.  The only place I know to look is toward God.  So, I'm grateful of my knowledge of him and that I have an opportunity to come to greater understanding of life through his perspective.

There's something I've learned about myself over the years.. and that is I can be full of piss and vinegar. What I mean by that is I have this basic core of self confidence that other people can't alter. When I'm in a situation that someone is trying to intimidate me or control me, inside I feel like a big bolder that's rooted deeply in place.. or a steel bar that can't be bent. It can be infuriating to the other individual. There are people that I have to deal with in my life who think they can intimidate me by saying mean, degrading things to me about myself. For some reason they think the information they give me will somehow cow me...   It's just doesn't have the effect they want, however. I know myself very well. I'm a very introspective person..and I'm honest about myself and what I am.  I know all the ugly places of myself.  I learned myself years ago. And I also learned that if I'm honest with myself about what I am, there's nobody that can tell me anything about myself that will break me.  It's not that things don't piss me off, or hurt my feelings or even sometimes cut really really deep. It's just that the experience doesn't alter that core confidence I have in myself. I'm having to deal with a co-worker from hell. It's not fun. But I won't be cowed. And I won't be intimidated.  She can rant, control, throw barbs, and call me ugly things..and really, when it comes down to it, I don't really care.  Yes...it upsets me..but when all is said and done, she really doesn't know what she's talking about.  Such is life!  And, that's all for this Friday night!

This bloody funk I find I'm in

Has set me in a diving spin

So much so there's no rebound

Dark lost, myself can't be found.

Light's glimmer was there before

I look for guidance.  I implore.

Can't see and without truth, I seek.

The die is cast.  Help me speak.

2009... the year of reconstruction for..

my body

my job

my attitude

I think I've been in somewhat of a depression.  I have very little motivation to accomplish things with my life and I feel like I'm just... coasting.  I feel lethargic, tired all the time and I look forward to being able to sleep.  When I get up in the morning, I'm looking forward to when I can go to bed in the evening.  There's something wrong with that.  I know I need to do something to get me off the dime.

....I miss myself.

So, Friday night was an enjoyable time.  I love cooking for people who enjoy great food.  One of my favorite recreational activities is cooking with a group of friends, enjoying wine together, and engaging in stimulating, interesting conversation.

...life rolls on.

Tonight, friends from California will be over to have dinner.  It'll be great to see them and visit for awhile.  Menu?  Simple... a Greek salad, assorted breads, cream of asparagus soup, and wine.  :)  Music?  Whatever my ipod has to offer.  ;)

My Happy New Year 2009:

Lose 40 lbs.

Read 6 books I have waiting.

Be kinder and more helpful

Develop a healthier life style

Get back on top of my exercise

Move on.

Here's to all.  May yours be successful too!